And Then it Wasn’t

Monday we redid the bloodtests, and the numbers went down. Early miscarriage.

Last weekend, pregnancy symptoms were starting to kick in – that bone deep exhaustion that I always forget about between pregnancies, the queasiness that accompanies the smell of cooking meat, and a bit of the spidey-smell (what I always called my increased sense of smell). It came in late last week, and was fading by Sunday, though still there. They’ve since all gone away, to be replaced by hormone therapy withdrawal symptoms.

It hasn’t been a great week.

I am heartbroken to have come so close and then lost the baby. Tiny and barely-a-baby as it was. I am heartbroken that my IPs got that brief flash of hope, and then had it dashed. And if I am heartbroken, I know it doesn’t even come close to how they are feeling.

Once the clinic had the bloodtest results, and they knew it was over, they told me to stop the medication (estrogen & progesterone). What I didn’t know, and no one mentioned, was quitting hormones cold turkey comes with withdrawal symptoms. So when I started waking in the middle of the night and being unable to get back to sleep, I didn’t associate the two. A couple days later, I started getting this crazy tightness in my chest – like it was in vise, making it hard to breathe, I thought I was losing my mind. It was reminiscent of the feeling of quitting smoking, which gave me the clue that maybe this was a reaction to going off the hormones. Oh, Mr. Google? Ah, yes – insomnia and anxiety? Hormone therapy withdrawal symptoms. The last couple days, headaches have also joined the party.

Did I mention it has been a long week. My lovely IPs have sent me a couple very sweet emails, making sure that I am doing okay and asking me for some patience as they think through what they would like to do.

And so, we wait. (And I wait gladly for these IPs. I hope they have it in them to go through the process again.)


5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Vicki
    Oct 26, 2014 @ 00:00:36

    😦 Big Hugs


  2. Erin
    Oct 26, 2014 @ 17:34:33

    You are an amazing woman, Ange. I’m rooting for you and your sweet IPs…


  3. Tracy
    Nov 08, 2014 @ 05:42:56

    Oh, Ange! My heart is hurting all over again after reading this. I can tell you that the hope of pregnancy and then the negative test results can make you feel like your head and heart are going to completely explode! (And we didn’t go through a surrogate.) Like I have said before, I am proud to call you a friend. You and that wonderful hubby of yours are amazing people and it is just an honor to know you. I will keep you and your IPs in my heart and prayers. (And my “little one” is talking a lot and asking questions. It has been an enlightening convo to have with my young teen daughter. Makes me proud of her too!)
    Love and hugs as always,


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