The negatives are part of it too…

I’ve been struggling with whether or not to post. I feel like I don’t have anything positive to say right now. And on top of that, my computer situation is sketchy at best right now. The semi-functional laptop had a half-full glass of water left sitting next to it. And for the record – be it half-empty or half-full, the result when it is tipped over onto a laptop is pretty much the same. I am back to my old laptop, and it is full of problems, but I am going to try and work with it for now.

I was unloading on my husband yesterday, and I was complaining about how things were going – my health, this surrogacy process, etc. I was saying, to top it all off, I can’t even blog!! I have nothing good to say right now. He reminded me that the negatives are part of the process as well, and stop worrying about the people reading it. I did, after all, start this for myself as an outlet.

Basically, I can’t seem to get my symptoms under control with my psoriasis and arthritis. I expected to be symptomatic going off my meds for it, but I never expected it to be so dramatic. I had done the initial week long cleanse, and then re-introduced a few foods and my symptoms went off the deep end. So I’m 6 days through another week long cleanse at the advice of my naturopath, and despite the fact that I am only taking in vegetables, the odd piece of fruit and the cleansing shake and bars, I am still a mess.

For those of you who haven’t suffered from a skin condition, for me what happens it – the visual reminder on my skin, in (and on!) my face every day, stresses me out. Stress worsens the problem. Skin worsens. And around and around we go. I really never expected this cleanse to not clear it up. I’m off every supplement, vitamin and food aside from the above mentioned. I drink my water. I take detox baths. I guess I should be sleeping more, but I seem to be laying awake a lot at night.

As for the arthritis, I am really sick and tired of telling my kids I can’t do something because I hurt. In particular my thumb on my right hand gives me a lot of grief (which sounds trivial – but it affects tooth brushing, hair brushing, helping my kids with buttons and zippers, pulling things out of the oven, and on & on …) and my left ankle. I hobble and limp in what I am sure is a most attractive manner.

The communication currently with my IPs is close to nil. I sent another month’s worth of expenses (I should not be carrying them this long, it’s my fear that it’s going to cause contention that has me holding on to them) probably about a week ago, and have heard one quick email since that time, which was saying how busy they were. It didn’t mention the expenses at all. I had requested that the expenses be reimbursed via electronic transfer, but haven’t heard anything. Which leaves me in the position of waiting around to see if they mailed me a cheque (seriously, who does that anymore!) or emailing them again and asking for my money. Since I am doing this for them, I feel like having to beg for my reimbursements isn’t really fair.

Finally, the last part of my frustration comes from the fact that I still haven’t had the psych evaluation done, and the contract isn’t in place. The psych evaluation should have been done a long time ago, in my opinion, and I feel like my IM is stalling it. She is fixated on using this woman she knows, who she can’t seem to get ahold of, or get a straight answer out of. Until that is done, the clinic can’t do a transfer. It’s a legal requirement of surrogacy. As for the contract, I did receive a first draft (it took ages), and I sent back some suggestions. She promised me an updated one shortly, and again, I haven’t seen it. I have no idea what their thoughts are on my suggestions. And basically, without these things in place, this can’t go forward. I don’t want to be waiting around! I know that in the past, pregnancy has cleared up my symptoms. I would like to just get on with it ….

So there is my big, whiny rant. On a happy note, I took my kids downtown today – which we don’t do often. We went shopping at Chapters, my kids had some birthday gift cards from my wonderful brother and sister-in-law to spend, which they did happily! Then we wandered around, the kids got hot dogs & poutine from a street vendor, and we watched the “old fashioned” cars rolling along the streets of downtown. Apparently there is some kind of car show this weekend, and it’s always neat watching them all gather. The kids were fascinated! And I was happy to be busy and out, and not sitting around feeling sorry for myself πŸ™‚


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Vic
    Jul 23, 2013 @ 03:34:15

    Ups and downs are definitely a part of every journey. But you are moving so quickly into this process that it must feel like they are piling up on you. Stay strong, you are doing the right thing for yourself as well as the lucky couple you end up helping, whether it’s this one or not. I love to read your posts and am always cheering you on πŸ™‚


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