Can you keep a secret?

Shhh … don’t tell anyone.  I can trust you, right?  Okay, here it goes…

I’m a little scared of labour.  And a little nauseous when I think about it.  And maybe just a little touch more scared on top of that.

It’s so silly!  I’ve done it three times!!  It never even occurred to me when I signed on for this whole deal.  It seemed manageable, doable.  Not a big deal.

And then, it happened.  The big mistake!  Someone posted a video of a home birth, and commented that it was so peaceful and wonderful, etc etc.  And do you know what I did?  I clicked on it.

I mean, what in the blue blazes was I thinking?!  

And there it was, in full colour.  This lovely young woman, mid contraction.  The swaying, the breathing, all of it … it brought back the memory of what labour actually feels like.  Apparently, I had tucked that little memory far into one of those dusty corners of my mind.

Now, I keep … remembering.  I didn’t like labour.  It sucked!  It sucked big time.  The first (and only, I think) time I ever swore at my Dad was mid-labour with my first child when he made a joke about men having the easy part in the whole process.  I dropped an F-bomb.  To my Dad!  

I didn’t think I was going to make it through the second labour.  I remember wanting to just give up.  I’m pretty sure at the time, dying seemed preferable.  And the third labour?  Well, I actually had the gas mask with her, and clung to it like a life raft in the ocean.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I am still fully committed.  But now I remember how much this is going to suck, and that in itself – well, it sucks. 

From the relative safety of the computer screen, I will admit that my labours were 4 hours & 45 minutes, 3 hours & 15 minutes, and 5 & a half hours long (stubborn girl!).  Before you roll your eyes and call me a wimp, in my defense – I went from zero to contractions 2 – 3 minutes apart that never let up.  So while I never suffered for 17 or 24 hours, I also didn’t have 20 minutes between contractions.  Also, I didn’t have time for any kind of pain relief with the first two, and kept it pretty minimal with the third.  I’m hoping that I get a little credit for those two things.

Now, once again, I am on the hunt for my BGPs (Big Girl Panties) to put on.  And as ever, remembering to be grateful that even though labour sucks, I have been so blessed to be able to do it.  Fingers crossed that luck holds out and I can do it again.  Please pass the gas mask!


3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. thoughtsappear
    Jul 15, 2013 @ 16:44:21

    You can have a gas mask? That sounds so much better than a needle.


    • surrogal
      Jul 16, 2013 @ 02:17:31

      Well, yes … however it just takes the edge off. From my understanding the needle (epidural) does a lot more. I always thought that I would prefer the labour pain to the epidural needle in my spine, and the resulting catheter … but now I’m not so sure!


  2. Erin
    Jul 19, 2013 @ 07:06:31

    Get the epidural! I highly recommend it 🙂


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