Decisions

The decision to do this wasn’t hard for me.  I took awhile to sit with the decision, but I never waivered on it.  My only hesitation came from knowing that I had to go off my arthritis meds, and what to do about pain management.  (It never would have occurred to me before developing arthritis to take a moment and think just how much I use my hands.)

There weren’t any decisions in terms of where to start – an acquaintance of mine had gone through the agency that I am going through, and this wasn’t something I wanted to navigate without the help of people who knew what they were doing!

The decisions came after all that.  Filling in the application and having to say yes or no to someone based on their gender, age or sexual orientation.  Boy, did that feel judgemental! 

Talking to different couples and having to choose one over the other?  That resulted in a teary phone call to my mother.  I probably should have taken into account my tendency to be a people pleaser … it’s really hard to know that people are putting their hopes on you, and that you just can’t help everyone you want to help. 

It’s not about making a judgement call on who will be a good parent ~ who would I be to even think that I could (or should) do that?  But it’s about finding someone that I connect with, and could envision working through this process with, likely on a weekly and sometimes daily basis.

 

I let gut instinct rule in the decisions on the application form… things that wouldn’t have occurred to me (see above and working with people who know what they are doing!) Was I willing to consider a single man or woman, a gay couple, a couple with both people over 50, or who couldn’t speak English? The harder part was when they started contacting me. My gut only strongly objected to one couple! The rest it was willing to consider! So there began the hard decisions. I am tentatively matched with a lovely couple at this point, and happy to be. Next step? Testing. Lots of testing!

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